I haven’t really known what to write about Vernon lately as it seems every day that there is a sign of progress, the next day is a step back…so with each success, there is the knowledge that it could be temporary. And that is tiring.
“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
I can vouch for the heartache, but I think that tree of life must be stubborn and a slow-grower. Maybe it’s dormant and will spring forth in the new season. Today marks Ten Months since the accident. He’s come a long way…but it still feels too slow. I wonder what my idea of slowness will be in six months, a year, two years from now? It’s already changed a lot.
Vernon’s parents have been staying near the care home for the past week and a half, and they are certainly getting the full experience in their time here. The steps back, the steps forward….one really has no idea what to expect each morning. All we can do sometimes is be present. But I know they are happy to be able to do that. And perhaps invisible connections are happening in his own mind as he hears those familiar beloved voices. But still, it would be so nice for all of us if things were to go consistently in the right direction.
Early on, in the coma days, a friend sent me this scripture: “Therefore we do not despair, but even if our physical body is wearing away, our inner person is being renewed day by day.”
Thinking that way gave me hope, as I imagined his brain healing behind the scenes, even as his muscles atrophied and toned, his kidneys failed, and he contracted one infection after another. I imagined all these little synapses connecting as he slept. It didn’t matter if we couldn’t see things as long as they were happening.
And now its time to revisit the concept. Just because I don’t see Vernon making the steps forward that I want to see doesn’t mean he isn’t being healed every single day. Though he takes a leap forward one day, then two steps back the next, he shouldn’t be defined by these stages. He’s in TRANSITION. The monitors not be able to gage it, but I can believe his inner person IS being renewed day by day.
I know mine is. I just need to be reminded sometimes.
Earlier today, I got a phone call from the Dialysis Center in Costa Mesa asking if I would be able to go up right then and sit with Vernon as he was too agitated to work with. I told them, “No, I can’t. I live an hour away and I still have to pick up a child from school. I can be there tomorrow, if you need to try again, but now.”
“So what do you want us to do?” they asked. “Should we just do our best?
“Yes. Exactly. Do your best.”
I chose not to worry about the situation, because really there was nothing I could do about it. But it was disheartening. I had hoped we’d moved through that phase months ago…but his agitation is stronger than ever lately and he’s not safe alone.
Then while I was preparing dinner, I got a call from our friend Al, who has been faithfully visiting Vernon for light massage/PT and conversation a couple times a week. In his few weeks of visiting, he has seen the back and forth motion of Vernon’s recovery first hand. I saw his name come up on my phone and dreaded what he might tell me, in light of my earlier phone call.
But there was excitement in his voice. He said they’d had a long, enjoyable and fairly intellectual conversation. They spoke about English history and society and some cerebral writers they both knew of. And apparently Vernon was able to engage like this for almost a half hour! For Al, this was so great to see his personality coming through, especially since he’d seen so little of ‘the old Vern’ on his previous visits. It was great for me to hear about it and lifted my spirits immensely.
I go back to the idea of the tree of life, sprouting little green shoots after a long winter. I don’t know if they will stick, but its always encouraging to recognize that there is some LIFE happening beneath, getting ready to break through the surface.
Oh, for more consistency…it would be a balm to our heavy hearts. And I expect it would be pretty great for him too.